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Life is a journey and not always a pleasant one!

popping my blog cherry!

Hi my name is Tammy and this has been the worst year of my adult life so far.

So I thought what better way than to give myself some therapy and sort  things out in my head than to write a blog about the journey life has taken me on.

I don’t expect anyone will be interested in what I have to say this is more for me than  anyone else but you never know. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has had a shit time lately but my journey is not just mine as my husband and children have also been on this journey too, in fact it’s not even mine or my children’s story it’s really my husbands and we have been watchers but what affects one in a household affects all.

So I will be treating this pretty much as a diary, my perspective on what has happened. Going back in time to the beginning of events and going through to the present day and beyond.

If anyone out there does read this I hope you take one lesson from what I have been through and that is to live, love and cherish life as you never know when life might give you a wake up call with a massive slap round the face!!!

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Intensive times 

I left my husband in intensive care at about 2am on what was now 3rd July 2017. I didn’t want to leave him knowing he might not make it through the night but I was also aware that I had two children at home and my husbands voice rang in my head ‘Don’t worry about me just look after the girls’ I knew that’s what he would say to me if he was awake that’s what he always said whenever I fussed over him. So I got my dad to drive me to my car which was still at the hotel and then I drove home. It was like living in a dream everything just seemed so surreal. 

Walking in to my front room soon made reality come crashing down on me though. my mums face was staring up at me with concern and fear and confusion at what had happened (I think we all saw my husband as an unstoppable force). My dad made me a cup of tea not knowing what else to do or maybe I asked for one who knows, that night is a blur now but all I could hear was this screaming voice inside my head saying ‘I want my husband’ until I became aware that, that voice in my head was not in my head at all I was actually screaming and crying it out loud. My lovely mum and dad tried to calm me down, reminding me of the two sleeping beauties in the room above me but I couldn’t stop I was so scared and frightened and I wanted to run away or wake up or whatever you do when you don’t like what’s happening. I did eventually calm down and went upstairs to stare at my girls, our girls who we love and adore and who drive us to be better people, I watched them sleeping but only for a while I didn’t want to wake them not while I was in such a mess. I had blood all over me, my husbands blood and my make up was smeared down my face if they saw me like that they would be very scared and I didn’t want them to know what had happened I wanted to keep them safe and innocent and for them to be able to see their daddy the following evening, I was scared that they might not ever see him again. 

I remember being struck at the innocence of youth, the absolute trust you have that mummy and daddy will make everything better. I wanted to be a child again, I wanted someone to make this better for me, to protect me and tell me everything would be ok, I didn’t want to be this adult anymore, I wanted to be cradled in my mums arms and have my head soothed ‘sshhh it’s ok, everything will be ok’ but I knew that wouldn’t happen, I am the parent in this situation and I had to be strong for my girls and the responsibility of that weighed heavy on me, I have never been known for my strength so I knew I was going to have to dig deep. My husbands words constantly rang in my ears ‘you just have to get on with it Tam, its how you deal with things that makes you’ he was always saying stuff like that whenever I started moaning about things. He has become the voice inside my head now. I told my parents that I wanted the morning to be normal for them until I knew what was happening and then after they had eaten dinner that night I would tell them what I could, until then life was to stay normal for them, daddy was at work and mummy had a busy day ahead.

I didn’t really sleep when I crawled into bed I was still crying I just wanted to wake up in the morning and it all just go away. My mum came in to check on me she was so worried and I was aware that she wanted to make it all better for me, being a parent never stops no matter how old the child. She laid down beside me and I was grateful for her being there, I’m not sure if either of us slept but we lay in silence until my alarm went off for the start of another week. What will this week bring though and the fear in my heart returned.

I don’t remember how I managed to stay normal that morning in fact I don’t think I managed it at all but my mum and dad took over for me making sure the girls got to school while I went to collect my mother in law to face whatever came next. I didn’t know what to expect or how to feel no one ever prapared me for this eventuality. 

When we got to the hospital we were told to sit in the family room as the doctor wanted to speak to us. I was living my own personal nightmare, how had life changed so dramatically like this?! The doctor as always said nothing positive my husband was awake but not responding in the way they would have liked but he hoped that seeing us would help him to come back round. We were escorted to his bed where he was gagging on and fighting with the oxygen mask he looked scared and confused like he was still choking, still stuck in that terrifying moment before the blackness takes over. After a while I managed to calm him down he started giving me kisses and tried to ask about the girls but nothing he tried to say made any sense, but he knew who I was he responded to me! the nurses told me he needed to rest as much as possible as his brain was swollen so I tried to make him sleep but he wouldn’t he was too busy fighting was happening to him. I told the nurses that he would fight every inch of the way as he is the most determined man I know and that was to become my mantra over the next 3 weeks while I watched my husband fight for his life.

Despite everything I left the hospital that afternoon knowing he would make it, I just knew in my heart that he wouldn’t leave me and the girls! So at about 4pm I left to tell our girls that daddy had, had a nasty accident. I left out most of the details telling them that daddy hurt his face and his throat while he was at work, it wasn’t a lie he did cut his cheek and his nose and his throat was bruised I just didn’t tell them the extent of the damage they would be frightened enough without knowing all of it and so we all sat on the settee hugging and crying on each other while my mum, dad and sister looked on.

By the time I got back to the hospital that evening they had decided to sedate my husband again to make his body relax so his brain could begin to heal. The nurse told me that before he went back under he was trying to say hello and ask about the children, she told me that she had worked in intensive care for a long time and had seen lots of things, she said you could never tell what was going to happen but in order to make it you needed determination and fight as the ones who fight normally  make it and she could tell he was a fighter and that he would make it through. I felt so grateful for her words they kept me going for weeks. I decided to block out all the negativity and stay focused on the fact that he would pull through no matter what and even though I stayed in a state of constant fear I kept hold of the fact that he wouldn’t be in there forever. I just had no idea what to expect when he did finally come round but that was to be much further down the line. 

Memorable dates

So my first official entry and I am thinking about my memorable dates like the date I met my husband and the date we got married, the dates of our daughters births and when we finally moved into our little house. I thought that as far as memorable dates go we were pretty much through them and could now just get on with the business of living our lives working and raising our children I didn’t foresee any more dates being memorable until they had grown up but boy was I wrong as 2nd July 2017 will forever be etched in my memory but not for happy reasons as this was the date that life gave me and my family as massive slap round the face.

It was a day like any other, a Sunday which meant family day and we were taking our girls horse riding it was gloriously sunny and hot and we melted in the heat waiting our turn but it was just lovely to be all together as this was the only day of the week that it happened, both me and my husband run our own business so we work a lot to keep our family comfortable we also worked a second job to see us through our quiet months so we cherished our family day.

Our second job was evening work where I worked behind a bar in a hotel and my husband would work as the night porter in the same place. He had been doing it for 4 years and as I had decided to scale my business back to spend more time at home we decided I should work there too, to supplement my income I went to that job kicking and screaming but I could see the sense in me doing it so with a deep breath I got on with it knowing it would only be for a few months.

That dreaded Sunday I left my family playing around while I went off to my evening job expecting to see my husband shortly after 11pm which as always I did nothing out of the ordinary nothing special my mum was at home looking after our girls and I knew I would soon be there having a nice cup of tea before collapsing in bed but then something different happened I left my husband sitting in the lounge he was eating the roast dinner that the chef had left him, the dinner that every year I told him not to eat as I could cook him dinner at home rather than him eating so late but he always told me he would eat there so as to save on our food bill. So while he was eating I decided to finish up my duties, with a quick glance over my shoulder I was off going about my business but no more than a minute later he was behind me patting his back. I knew something was terribly wrong and by the time the ambulance arrived 15 minutes later he was as good as dead. My husband was choking and no amount of back smacking or Heimlich manoeuvres was going to dislodge it, in fact I don’t know how they removed the slice of roast beef from my husbands throat (I was too busy being hysterical) but I do know it took brute force and determination. He Suffered a cardiac arrest and was rushed to hospital where they quickly took him to intensive care and made sure he was sedated to give him plenty of rest.

I have been with my husband for 10 years and I have come to depend on him for his strength and constant presence in my life, I love him with all of my heart he is my best friend and sometimes I feel he is my only friend and in that moment when I saw him choking my whole world collapsed, the bubble we had been living in was well and truly burst, I have never been so petrified and so alone. What would I tell our girls?, how would I live?, would he survive this? With so many questions the person who I would naturally turn to for comfort and solace was the one person who couldn’t give it I was utterly lost. The doctors gave me no assurances the only thing they would say is that he was alive for now.

I was escorted to intensive care and was again told nothing reassuring but to see him he looked like he was just having a nap nothing extraordinary unless you count all the machines and wires.

So yes the 2nd July 2017 is unfortunately a memorable date now and one that will replay again and again in my head forever lets hope the next memorable date will be a joyous one.